Monday, May 29, 2017

Rood Der: 19: Out of Order

Data is Data - Through the Red Door - The Sunday SciFi-Fantasy Serial Novel by Douglas Christian Larsen
Simulation Theory, Simulation Hypothesis, Simulated Reality, Vestigial Surreality
© Copyright 2017 Douglas Christian Larsen. Rood Der.
Rood Der — Episode Nineteen: Out of Order


01 02 03 04 05 06 07
08 09 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21





It was the day of the Cataclysm, about Noon, and people were beginning to experience the foreboding of approaching doom, the presentiment of incarnate dread. But Rooster had no thoughts about the coming evening, or moons, or warring Sisters—no, for he was facing his very own private doom, up close and personal, as the great parasite from Frederic’s bowels swelled with indignation and hatred, just inside the entrance to the crystal cathedral of Hot Springs. It was seething, insane, but oh so clever. Rooster was crouched down low, ready to spring, his entire body drawn together in a compressed coil.
“You are not coming in here,” Rooster growled, standing in six inches of warm water, his body dripping, bracing his arm against the rock wall, ready to push himself off the wall and launch himself, up under the parasite. He knew that at any second it was going to come off the ground in a rearing roar of challenge, and Rooster must strike at that moment, while momentum carried the monster up, and backward—that’s when he would strike it with all his weight and might, like hitting a football tackling sled—it had been years and years since he had initiated any such physical exertion of force and power, but he had never had a body like the one he inhabited now.
The parasite was massive and powerful, but Rooster himself was incredibly massive and powerful, and he was entirely freshened and invigorated by the healing waters. In fact, he felt bloated from the healing waters, ready to explode with power, much larger than his very large self. His face locked in a leer of imminent violence, Rooster found himself almost laughing. He felt good, and even though he understood that it might not end well, for him. He couldn’t help but relish the swiftly approaching clash of fury.
And now, with Frederic returned from the very edge of death, Rooster had so much inspiration for heroic deeds—he was ready to offer up all of himself to protect his friends. Yes, for the first time in his whole life, in any world, he felt like a hero.
The moments prior to the crash of powerful forces stretched, the creature was utterly still, save for its heaving, labored breathing.
Then suddenly, the monster reared, roaring, and Rooster dove in, his powerful legs splashing, driving himself forward into the terrible, slimy bulk of the creature. The monster squealed with the indignation of a herd of swine—Rooster drove it back, at first a full foot in distance at their point of impact, and then two feet more as he continued his momentum, straining the creature backward, another two feet—and they reached a point of straining equilibrium, two forces straining and grunting.
The creature squealed, inhaling.
Then, the monster roared in exhale, and now it surged forward upon what seemed newly sprung insectile legs, scrabbling and scrambling, and Rooster was flung back, end over end, clearing ten feet before he came down headfirst into the shallow waters farther back into the Hot Springs. He landed in the waters, perhaps two feet deep, sprawling, knocked dizzy and disoriented—he jerked and pushed himself up sputtering.
The monster was as powerfully strong as an elephant, and now it rushed forward to meet the floundering man who had only half risen before the parasite was upon him as its long body surged forward and slammed down upon him.
The waters surged up hissing, and Rooster was slammed down beneath the horrible mass of steaming, clawing legs and the oozing torn flesh of the wounded creature smashing him flat beneath the shallow waters—lobster claws pinched and clapped, roach feet ripped and slashed—but Rooster scrambled beneath it, punching and kicking, and smashed beneath the waters—he actually managed to lift the creature up a full two feet off of himself, before it smashed him down again, buried in the sloshing waters. They raged against each other in a strange clash of beings that could have no positive ending.
The creature screamed. It desired to rend this human distraction into a thousand pieces, but something was wrong. The creature squealed and screamed, thrashing. Somehow the insignificant creature below its monstrous body was hurting it, but not just in its thrashing—no, for pain surrounded and suffused all of its body. This was something new, and terrible. The parasitic creature squealed, twitching in pain.
The waters hissed upon the parasite creature’s entire length, bubbling and steaming. The parasite roiled back and away, but still the pain followed. Ichor flowed from the creature and mixed with the waters, and the waters actually rose up as in flood, foaming, and the creature screamed.
The water! It was acid to the monster!
Even as the water acted as poison while the parasites were in the human body, now it reacted even more powerfully, water and air interacting like acid, and steam billowed about the creature. The water was deadly to the parasite.
It instinctively pushed itself up out of the water and surged and splashed, squealing in pain. But the water was everywhere in this cave, dripping down from above, splashing up from beneath and whichever way the creature turned, water splashed and hurt it—the very air was saturated with the deadly chemical reaction.
Rooster thrashed up out of the water throwing punches wildly as the creature retreated backward toward the light of day.
The creature pushed itself back toward the entrance of the cave, bleeding ichor and slime, and the infuriating human followed it, splashing up water that stung and burned.
Rooster didn’t realize what was happening other than he knew the enemy was before him, and retreating, and he attacked it, punching the monster with his wet fists. The creature screamed and lashed out at him, but even his wet body proved anathema to it, and he drove it back—he had no understanding of the water and its peculiar properties and how it was aiding him in his battle against the creature, he only understood that the monster was fleeing before him and he came thrashing forward into it, boiling the water up with his kicks and punches, and the monster hissed and screamed with every wet touch.
The parasite desired no part of this. Fight was a distant memory—this was flight, panicked hysterical flight. All confused thoughts of revenge and annihilation were gone, it just wanted out of this horror pit, it wanted away, away as far as possible from this insidious human that dripped and splashed pain and acid.
Rooster chased the monster to the door and seized its tail as it inverted its body, coiling and thrashing, and he gripped the swollen tail with its rows of pinching claws, and he forced it down into the splashing, hissing waters, and the whole shallow pool seemed to react in exploding foam, bubbling, and Rooster felt the reaction all about him like an infected hand in a sink full of hydrogen peroxide, and yet still he did not comprehend the nature of the creature’s retreat, or what was actually happening in this battle.
The monster literally dragged Rooster up out of the waters and surged him across the rocks into the entrance to the caves, scraping him off against the jagged rock, knocking him aside, escaping.
The parasite scrabbled upon the stones and rolled in the shallow layer of dirt upon the stones—it wanted the water off its body, but still it steamed and melted in the pain of the wetness.
Dazed and discombobulated, Rooster pushed himself up, pulling himself up along the stone corridor, and he vomited even as he ran, even as the monster itself vomited and purged itself of the stinging acid waters. Small rounded pillbugs washed out in a reeking flood from the monster, and these writhed and burned in the expurgated slew, skittering in pain.
A figure rushed past Rooster, bumping into him, and he caught a glimpse of a soaking-wet Frances as she passed.
“Wait, what are you doing!” he cried, stumbling forward into the light of day.
The day outside the cavern was much cooler compared to the atmosphere of the cave, and their bodies prickled in the comparative chill.
“The water!” she cried and he saw that she was carrying the water bottles in each hand, and she was definitely on the offensive, going after the creature.
He pursued her out of the caves as she attacked the parasite, splashing the water out of the bottles, jerking the plastic containers like syncopated cannons, jerking and recoiling, blasting the creature with surges of water.
The parasite reacted instantly to the small woman’s attack, squealing in pain, shrieking with a noise so terrible it actually made Rooster throw his hands over his ears, shielding himself from the physical pain produced in his head from those screams, a thousand wounded pigs crying out.
The parasite monster scrabbled away from the water attack, and Frances pursued it, and then Frederic was there beside his mate, gasping, staggering, but faithfully gluggling the waters from the canteen, splashing the creature. As the parasite whirled before them, its massive tail snapped back and around and knocked them together off their feet, their water containers tumbling.
It was not attacking them, only fleeing, slithering like a snake now or monster slug, withdrawing its roach legs into itself, yanking back its wounded lobster claws, rescinding into itself, reforming even as it surged and slithered away, keening and moaning, leaving a nasty trail of ichor and blood. It was now some terrible worm, rolling over itself, tumbling upon the stones, thrashing and writhing away.
“It’s okay, it’s going,” Rooster coughed, kneeling between Frances and Frederic, checking to ensure they were not damaged. Both were coughing, bleeding, and Frances attempted to get to her feet.
“We have to finish it off—don’t let it get away,” she cried, stumbling. “Drop boulders on it, cut it into pieces!”
Rooster caught her by the arm and pulled her back, and eased her down next to Frederic, who was heaving and bursting with labored breath.
“I don’t know if we can kill it,” Rooster muttered. “We hurt it, somehow, but I don’t think it can die.”
“The water,” she said, “we have to get more water and go after it.”
“I don’t think we could kill it even if we could get some fire hoses,” Rooster wheezed. “That thing is already almost cut in half—probably we’d just be spreading out the problem. If it breaks in half, there will be two of them.”
“Go after it!” she commanded, but Rooster was done for, spent, his head whirling.
“That was incredible, old man,” Frederic coughed, “how you fought it like that. I mean you just went at that thing!”
“If I had known it was the water, I would have challenged it to a splash fight,” Rooster laughed. “Touching that thing, ooh, I don’t know. I hope we never run into it again.”
“You were very brave,” Frances said, dejected, but still admiring the big man, slumping into a huddle, shivering.
“I wasn’t going to let that thing get to you guys,” Rooster said, glaring at the trail to where the creature had vanished over the lip of the stone climb. His hands flexed into fists—perhaps he would go after it, but his vision seemed bleached, everything too white, and he sank to one knee, and vomited.
“So that’s the thing that came out of me?” Frederic said, lying down in the sun, taking deep breaths.
“That’s it,” Rooster said, “only it’s been feeding, I think on the dead bees below. Probably other things as well. I could see all kinds of legs and appendages moving beneath its—blubber.”
“Blubber!” Frederic laughed, which turned into a barking cough.
Mister Bumbles came crawling across the stones and huddled close to Frances, buzzing.
“That’s some bee,” Frederic said, looking at the bumblebee, and then closing his eyes tightly. “I thought I dreamed all that about the giant bees.”
“Let’s get back into the cave, we all need the healing waters,” Rooster said, feeling his side—now that was decidedly a broken rib in there, he could feel the break. He vomited again. There was blood in the glurp. He could hardly breathe. He had been damaged again by the parasite, severely this time. His skin was cut and torn in many places. Dragged on the rocks, pinched by those claws, and tumbled every which way, poor Rooster was a mass of abrasions, contusions, breaks, and bruises.
“I think we’re going to regret that we didn’t hurt it worse than we did, while we still had the chance,” Frances said, holding onto Rooster’s arm, attempting to aid the big man before he collapsed.
“I think we’re done with it,” Rooster muttered, wiping the bloody vomit from his mouth with the back of his hand. “Plus, I think, the more we replace our old-world bodies with this new water, I think we are going to prove less and less attractive to the brute. It’s probably going to dry up out there, and just die, like any broken bug. Oh, sorry Mister Bumbles.”
The bumblebee had buzzed loudly, and Frances petted its fur.
“We need to get Mister Bumbles into the cave as well, hopefully the water will heal his wings,” she said, soothing her hands gently along the bumblebee’s twisted wings, one of them looked as if it might break away.
They had all taken their share of lumps from the parasite monster—especially Frederic, who had carried it around inside his own body, where it had almost killed him, eating him from the inside.
Later, they would wish they had listened to Frances, and hurt the creature worse while it was wounded, and so...small, and comparatively insignificant. They would all think, oh, those were the days.
One thing about strong parasites, they can adapt, and learn, and strengthen. And they remember. And they never give up.

Simulation Hypothesis, Simulated Reality, Hologram Universe, Vestigial Surreality

It was the day of the Cataclysm, about Noon, and Joss Chen strolled out onto the deck of the small sky vessel, or aeroship docked near the tall narrow building that appeared to be some sort of—lighthouse, skyhouse, or skydock. It wasn’t a lighthouse, and the ship wasn’t exactly a ship, not exactly, and Ulf stood just inside the door of the building, peering out, unsure of whether or not he wanted to emerge onto a deck so high above any unseen ground (the ground must certainly be down there, somewhere very far below, but peering over the side Joss Chen couldn’t see farther than one hundred or so stories down, and then it just seemed to go to dark clouds and roiling fog, or mists). It all seemed crazy, almost as insane as his dimly remembered visit to the Clown Town, that place all in black and white. And after serving them breakfast, Phoebe had vanished, without a word of explanation.
They had searched for a while, attempting to find some exit leading downward, through the building itself, but had only discovered locked doors deeper than one floor below, and the doors and walls were thick, like a real lighthouse. There were floors above, as well, but they didn’t wish to go that way.
“Come on, I guess this is where we’re supposed to go,” Joss said to the Viking. He had dressed in the leather gear that had been laid out for him on the bed, some tight leather costume all in browns and blacks, and seeming somewhat nautical in theme. But this was no costume, nor cosplay—these were very real, well, battle gear, designed to be warm, and yet provide a layer of both movability and armor-layered protection. He especially liked the tall boots that came up over his knees and swelled at his thighs. And really, he had to admit it to himself, they looked and felt pretty cool—mucho badass. Plus, the gear was comfortable. He liked it. He almost hated to admit it, but he liked all of this. Somehow, Phoebe had found a way to tap into Joss Chen’s most fabulous childhood dreams.
He was going to be a captain, of his own aeroship, aeroboat? And he was going to fly! He was going to soar above the clouds, riding the winds of the sky.
Before he mounted the somewhat silly “boat,” Joss slowly walked around the entire round dockyard—up high in the sky, and with only one “ship” in port, a sleek-looking vessel made of hardwood, and appearing to be waxed brightly like a surfboard, it sat nestled in two mighty cradles. Even the cradles didn’t seem all that realistic. It all struck him as part of some children’s game, albeit an entirely real simulation. And, he had to admit it to himself, it was all pretty cool.
Yes, yes, the whole thing struck Joss Chen as silly֫—Steampunk, hardly feasible. A sky ship, or aeroship, that used sails for wind and a big canvas bag to retain hot hair, sort of a hot-air balloon, glued together with an ultra-light sailing ship. He supposed it could be used in the water or in the air, kind of a multipurpose fantasy ship, or yacht—an aeroyacht, then. It looked more like a yacht than a ship. What was it, seventy-five feet long, maybe eighty feet? It was difficult to judge the side, because it was just so weird. Twenty feet wide? Probably, the most it could comfortably carry would be ten or so people, maybe as many as twenty. But he hadn’t even explored below the decks.
He glanced at the building—there was probably room for another ship docked on this side, and there seemed to be more than four sides to this building, this sky tower.
“I not go there!” called Ulf, his big square hands cupped around his big round hole of a mouth. He had donned all his gear and he looked fairly ridiculous, his short heavy legs, his monstrous shoulders. Even though he was not fat, he was huge, like a very short giant.
Joss Chen continued to walk as close to the sailing yacht as possible, without actually boarding her. Okay, yes, it was a very nice fantasy boat, very nice looking, he admitted it, but there was no way he was going to accept this silly adventure—Phoebe needed to give him something a little more...realistic. Please, something not this silly. But yes, there was something highly attractive about the suggested adventure, the nautical clothing, the ship sitting here, and Joss grinned, leaning out to look at the back of the ship—was that the bow? Or wait, was that the grim؅—no, not grim, but...stern?
“I said, I not go there!” hollered Ulf, roaring, going red in the face.
There, in fancy letters was the name of the ship: Phoebe. Of course. What else? This was where he was supposed to go. So, after a long time staring, he finally strode across the gangplank, which emerged from the building and was not part of the vessel, and out onto his ship, his lady. He felt the wind snap out and buffet him.
“You do realize that you are inside an absurd tower that is impossibly tall, and we are locked out of all the levels except the top two?” Joss Chen called back to the Viking, reasonably.
Immediately the Viking came jogging out onto the platform and immediately the wind increased in volume, as if someone were sitting at the controls, and as soon as the Viking emerged, the wind engaged, or the atmosphere activated—or, the game was afoot.
The Viking staggered about, comically lifting and dropping his feet, looking very much the drunkard, swaying this way and that, but in truth there was very little real comedy in the moments, as a few missteps and Ulf would be plunging toward a death that would be long in coming as he fell into the bottomless void. To his credit, the Viking ran forward with conviction, aiming for the airship and not minding the dangers, and taking a final daring dive, the big man tumbled into the airship, where he immediately tangled himself in the netting that retained the massive hot-air bag, a huge oblong half-filled container that looked like it might inflate to ten feet in height, thirty feet in length, and almost as wide as the ship. The Viking clung there, his face pale and tinged with green.
“See?” laughed Joss Chen, “that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
Bad,” burped the Viking, and then launched into a series of painful hiccups.
There was a rattle of booted feet and two very odd-looking—sailors, came trotting onto the deck, up from below decks.
“Berg, present Sir!” shot the first, a very incomplete-looking individual, in fact, there was something of the robot about him, or manikin. He was very short, with an exaggerated “V” of a chest, and short, muscular arms. He was very blond, unnaturally yellow-headed, as if he had just finished dying his short hair with a bottle of very cheap paint. He looked like a cartoon character.
“Gurg, present Sir!” shot the second sailor, looking a twin to the first, only this automaton had a shock of red hair standing up on his small round head.
The two simulated sailors stood at strict attention, side by side, garbed in almost comical costumes that suggested sailoring. Striped black and white long-sleeved shirts, seeming more skin than clothing, and shiny white bell-bottom pants. And to top it all off, they were barefoot upon the shiny wooden deck of the vessel. Their bare toes seemed only half-drawn.
“You two sailors come with the ship?” asked Joss Chen.
“Indeed, Captain Joss, Sir!” shot Berg—it seemed that everything these two said came out at Marine volume, barked obnoxiously loud and monotone. Good soldiering, and all that. Good sailoring?
“We come straight from the Looking Glass, Captain Joss Sir!” shot Gurg. “Volunteered, we did Sir!”
“Aye Sir!” yelled Berg, “when old Mister Dodgson give out the new jobs, Sir, old Gurg and I said we wanted to serve ye on the Phoebe, we did Sir! We go with Captain Joss, Sir, that be our choice, Sir!”
Joss Chen shook his head. What a deal. Still, it was certainly adventure, all of this, and he wanted to get on with it. The purity of the air made his toes tingle, and his face felt half-frozen in the icy wind. This was life—this was living. It didn’t matter what he knew, or the worse things that he suspected.
What mattered was that life was in him, he was life, and he smiled almost insanely as he threw out his arms to welcome it all. Glory in it, life, living, and things to come. He felt like bellowing out at the top of his lungs the hills are alive with the sound of music! Yeah, but that would just be silly, wouldn’t it?
He felt like spinning around and around, dancing and leaping and hollering. The two sailors, or airmen, or whatever they were, were staring at him dumbly. Joss Chen forced seriousness into his face and bearing. Right then.
Gurg was the redhead, and Berg the yellow dandelion. He’d have to keep that straight in his head.
“Let’s get to it, then!” Captain Joss Chen laughed, “prepare for flight!”
“No, wait, just wait,” gurgled Ulf, yet tangled in the bag netting. “Think it, first, think!” He looked absurdly pale, even for a Scandinavian.
The two automatons leapt into action, like tigers, Berg leaping into the rigging, climbing as easily as a monkey, and Gurg literally diving down into a hole in the deck (Joss mentally noted the location of that hole, as he didn’t want to make an inadvertent plunge), and a moment later there came the loud roar of fire, and the airbag immediately surged with life, standing up in its netting, shivering all the timbers of the sleek aeroship. Sails dropped from above, fluttering hollowly.
“Cast off lines!” Captain Joss Chen shouted.
“Lines, Sir?” Berg, or maybe Gurg queried, pausing in his flurried activity to scratch his head.
“Whatever,” laughed Joss Chen, “I’m figuring it out as we go along. You just tell me what to do, Sailor.”
“Aye aye Sir! Ye just stand back there behind the big wood wheel, and you’ll know what yer about, Sir!” Gurg or Berg guffawed, and returned to his racing and leaping about the deck, yanking on lines, pulling levers, unlocking various mechanisms, all the while humming gleefully beneath his breath.
“Oooh!” cried Ulf, staring and hiccupping. “Maybe wait! Oooh! Not yet!”
“Go below decks, Ulf,” Joss Chen laughed, nodding toward the small door of the little cabin, as he situated himself behind the big wheel, placing his hands on the handles.
“I stay with you!” the Viking hollered, tangling himself and untangling himself.
The Viking finally freed himself from the netting and came crawling across the deck in a scramble—mostly on his hands and knees, but often dragging his lower body behind him—he looked like a big, frightened dog, tongue lolling, eyes rolling in terror. Joss had to admit, it was all pretty funny. He chuckled, and the low laugh built into a more impressive release of mirth, and soon he was bent at the knees, laughing harder than he had ever laughed in his entire life.
The aeroyacht quivered and Captain Joss Chen noted the first aggressive bump throughout the vessel against the cradle as they swiftly became lighter than air. He wiped his eyes and took a stance behind the wheel, swaying. They were practically there. He flexed his hands upon the spoke-end handles of the wheel, feeling a very real thrill race throughout both the sky yacht and his body, ricocheting up and down his spine. The wheel felt very good in his hands, and now he felt a dancing shiver run below his feet and his knees automatically dipped to provide the necessary balancing sway—it felt like dancing.
And then, through some mechanism apparently based on weight or lack thereof, the retaining cradle extending from the side of the spire suddenly gave way, clattering against the building, and the aeroyacht fell perhaps twenty feet in a start, until it was caught by the wind and moved out and away from the tower, and the bow dipped, and they nosedived into the deep of the vast sky. Captain Joss Chen’s stomach dropped toward his feet as icy wind slapped him in the face, and both aerosailors wailed in alarm. Apparently, he was supposed to do something at this point, but in truth, he was exulting in the plunge, observing the “ground” of clouds below the vessel, falling like an aerodynamic dagger toward the clouds.
“The wings, Sir! The wings!” shouted one of the aerosailors.
Joss Chen glanced over his shoulder and observed the great needle of the tower, standing at what appeared to be a full mile above the clouds (and it could only be a guess how much of the tower there was below those clouds), and by the rapid shrinking of the sight, he realized they were falling much too swiftly, and he quickly glanced at the bank of instruments before him, just behind and above the wheel.
There were old-fashioned looking dials surrounded by brass, with hands spinning like insane clocks. There were several buttons, a tiny wheel, and about twenty black pegs or switches, plus two brass levers and ten or more smaller levers made of polished wood. All this he noticed in one or two seconds that felt like eternity.
He focused on the two thick brass levers, the sun glinting off them like gold, and he yanked down the lever on the left side and was startled as an expanse of flapping wings burst out on either side of the yacht, popping into existence like a parachute.
Their fall immediately slowed, the vessel bucking and bouncing as if it were riding ocean waves, and Joss Chen pulled down the brass lever on the right, and was rewarded to a second burst of wings at the stern of the vessel—four wings on either side of the vessel, they looked like something Leonardo da Vinci might have sketched, great and curved like the wings of birds, humped up and grabbing wind.
The vessel descended into a more gentle arc, still plummeting, but now he found that he could steer their course, and pulling back on the wheel Joss was pleased as the aeroyacht leveled off, and they sailed in the sky, swift and sleek. He tried great swelling turns, slaloming—the ship leaning extravagantly this way, and then that way—and pulled back sending the vessel upward, pushing deep and plunging. This felt like magic. It was like riding a motorcycle, only much bigger, much faster, and in the sky; they raced the very clouds, maneuvering, and Joss Chen was surprised that he was smiling—it seemed his very being was smiling, through and through. This was—something. Yes, all the somethings he could have ever desired.
After an hour of this exhilaration in the sky, Joss Chen finally collected himself, and looked about himself. Poor Ulf the Viking was sleeping on the deck, or he had finally passed out. The brute had tied himself down close to Chen’s feet, and curled about with a rope around his waist.
They were sailing level and the airbag was tight and full of hot air—the bag radiated heat, and the air did not seem quite so icy.
The yellow-haired sailor came lurching along the deck, balancing what looked like a tray above his shoulder. He looked fairly graceful in his sure-footing—Joss Chen figured this must be what airlegs looked like, to be so sure of yourself up in the sky on a vibrating deck.
“Some freshment, Sir!” bellowed the sailor, arriving at Joss Chen’s side, swaying and rocking on his bare feet.
The sailor placed the tray on the top of the instrument panel and it adhered there. There must be magnets in the tray, it snapped down so completely upon the metal cabinet.
“Ah, freshments, is it?” Captain Joss Chen grinned, poking through the tray. There was a big mug of something dark, steaming—it looked like coffee. He hoped it was coffee, or at least tea. And there was a loaf of crumbly bread, a lump of some kind of dark—fruit? And some dried-looking stuff that might be jerky. A leather water bag. He hoped it was water, and not wine, or rum, or whatever trope that sailors drank. “Thank you very much—Gerg?”
Burg, Sir!” bellow the sailor. Right yellow-haired Burg. Red-haired Gerg, remember that.
“Thank you Burg,” Joss Chen said, and lifted the mug to his nose. Ah, coffee! He sampled a sip, and it was strong, black coffee, very strong. Good, and heartening. “Would you like some?”
“We don’t eat, Sir! But thank’ee!” bellowed Burg, sounding proud. “We are automatons from the Looking Glass, Sir—Gerg and me. We don’t eat or sleep or make a mess. We serve, Captain Joss Chen, we serve!”
“Well, that’s all handy,” Joss Chen said, sampling the bread, which was very hard, crunchy, and required some gratuitous jaw pressure to break off a piece. He was lucky he didn’t have any fillings in his teeth, or biting this bread would prove risky business. But it was surprisingly tasty, like sourdough, but sweeter. The fruit was something squishy, kind of like a prune, but even more akin to a fat, dark strawberry, and very juicy, only not too sweet.
“Coffee,” groaned Ulf, stirring on the deck, tugging at his self-tangled limbs.
“Let’s get our friend Ulf some hot, black coffee,” said Joss Chen, laughing at the Viking’s poor, sad face.
“Sir!” bellowed the aerosailor, “this fellow is not real, let him get his own freshments!”
“Now Gerg, this is my friend,” said Joss Chen, “and I want you to treat him the same way you treat me.”
“Burg, Sir!” bellowed Burg.
“Yes, yes, Burg, I’m sorry,” Joss Chen said, closing his eyes for a moment and shaking his head. He had to keep their names straight. “Please get Mr. Ulf some black coffee.”
“With cream and sugar, please,” croaked Ulf, now on his knees, staring about himself, looking green and dazed. “I like it black, with cream and sugar. Lots of cream and sugar.”
“Look at him, Sir!” bellowed Burg. “He’s practically an automaton! Let him get his own freshments!”
“What are you doing!” bellowed Gerg, striding forward stiff-legged and looking ready for a fight. “You heard the Captain, and you obey the Captain!”
“You get freshments for that thing,” bellowed Burg, pointing an accusing finger at Ulf, who was now sitting against the wheelhouse, near Joss Chen’s feet.
“Him!” bellowed Burg, “let him get his own freshments!”
Joss Chen rolled his eyes. Wherever he went, people seemed to be—people. Everyone wanted to be the bright star, everyone wanted to advance, everyone craved the attention, especially if that advancement entailed stepping on someone’s head and grinding their face into the ground.
“Fine,” Captain Joss Chen snapped, “I’ll get Ulf his black coffee with lots of cream and sugar.”
“No Sir! Ye cannot do that! Sir!” bellowed Burg, or was it Gerg?
“It is bad for the men, Sir!” bellowed Gerg, or was it Burg?
“The men?” queried Joss Chen, leaning upon the great wheel.
“Yes Sir!” bellowed the brothers, together. Or maybe they weren’t brothers, not exactly, but they certainly were twins (save for their absurd hair colors).
“What men?” queried Joss Chen, his features twisting incredulously.
“The men, Sir!” bellowed Burg and Gerg, in perfect unison, while pointing fingers at each other. “The morale and the obedience of the men, Sir! We must maintain order, Sir!”
That was weird, as if they had memorized and prepared that little speech and delivered it right on some cue. Someone behind these numbers had to be messing with him. Someone with a twisted sense of humor.
“It’s like being back with Barney and Rodney,” muttered Captain Joss Chen, shaking his head, his eyes closed, “with a little Jethro thrown in for good measure.”
“Sir!” bellowed Gerg and Burg.
Captain Joss Chen stood away from the wheel, and ironed out his posture so that he towered over the automatons.
“Get me a second mug of coffee, immediately, Sailors!” bellowed Captain Joss Chen, glaring daggers at the two. “That is a direct order, and if there is any slacking, I’ll flag the both of you!”
“Flog, Sir!” bellowed the automatons.
“That’s an order!”
The automatons snapped to attention and saluted him smartly, and then dashed off together, fleet of foot upon the heaving deck.
“Don’t forget the cream and sugar, lots,” muttered Ulf the Viking, weakly.
“Don’t forget the cream and sugar, lots!” bellowed Captain Joss Chen.
“Aye, aye, Sir!” bellowed the sailor automatons.
“Should have ordered no spitting in the coffee,” muttered Ulf the Viking.
“Don’t I know it. Children. Everyone is a child,” muttered Captain Joss Chen. He tossed the other half of his hardbread to the Viking. The Viking caught the morsel, examined it with horror, and then heaved it back. With terrible gulps, the Viking scrambled for the side of the vessel, where he heaved and heaved.
Captain Joss Chen, smiling, looked out at the vast encompass of sky and far-below clouds. They raced upon the winds, sunshine stark upon them. And it was all glorious.

Simulation Hypothesis, Simulated Reality, Hologram Universe, Vestigial Surreality

It was the day of the Cataclysm when John Galt emerged through the Red Door into High Vale, and simultaneously bumped into three rough-looking characters, spreading them apart like bowling pins. They were short stumps of men, with incongruous tufts of feathers bristling from their small, sloped heads. The three men started, and then were upon him, tackling poor John Galt to the hard ground before he even finished his mumbled: “Oh, excuse me!” He had tried to say it, as he was never a rude man, just one of those automatic things you say, like bless you when even a stranger sneezes, but instead he only blurped out: “Ohexcu!” And they were down, the three of them, tangled and kicking, with a few bites thrown in for good measure.
They rolled on the ground and John Galt wondered where Jethro was—he had assumed his friend was right on his tail, but as he tumbled across the rocky ground with his attackers swarming all over him, he realized it must be one of those High Vale time lags, and Jethro might not come through the Red Door for another one or two days.
“Caught him!” one of the featherheads shouted, clasping his hands over John Galt’s mouth, as if he expected his captive to utter a spell—maybe ohexcu was a dirty word in these parts.
John Galt reached to touch his left shoulder, where he felt the insistent tingling, but the men, although very small, seemed much stronger than himself, and they spread-eagled him upon the stones. It seemed suspicious, as if they were waiting for him, and he suspected that the odd woman with the green eyes had set him up, enticed him to pass through the Red Door, and had these bizarre little guys waiting for him.
If you ever see a man with a strangely flat and melted face, and with feathers for hair, you better run—not that there is any place to which you might escape.
Whoa, that was hardly a memory. It was like a still, small voice, whispered directly in John Galt’s ear. That warning, from the strange woman, about a man with feathers for hair. He looked about him, as best he could, and all three of these rough men fit that description, the strange melted faces, and the feathers. But running did not appear to be an option. He would have to play this by ear, and survive, if that was even possible.
“At’s right, whot? At’s right, we got ye, we did,” one of the strange men giggled in a very high-pitched voice. John Galt couldn’t quite make out the accent, and the words were fairly garbled, but he understood the gloating. “Oy, we gottim just like we planned!”
“It’s not ’im, look at ’im, this bloke is toasted, doancha see?” one of the other strange men said, this guy with a much lower, croaking voice. “Dark folk, see, like sin a mun!”
“It’s a dee guised, ’at’s whot!” the high-pitched squealer squealed. “A dee guised, look it be paint, ’ee’s painted ’is face, that’s whot! Hidin’ ’ee’is!”
“Not ’im, but’ee might know ’im,” the growler growled.
They had his hands tied now, and his legs trussed so that he could only take short, mincing steps when they had him on his feet. There were several more of these strange-looking ruffians surrounding him now, at least a dozen, all of them with the melted-looking features, save for their great noses. In fact, their noses looked a lot like bird beaks, hooked, hanging far out above their slit mouths. They didn’t seem to have lips, and John Galt felt a creeping illness souring his whole body.
“Oy, this bloak doan like the looks ’o’us, do he?” the tallest of his captors demanded, a broad-shouldered fellow with bright yellow feathers—much more extravagant feathers than all the others. The others were gray sparrows, and this larger version was a plump canary. Even his clothes were more colorful. This apparent leader was something of a dandy. He strode about John Galt, studying him closely. Then he scoffed. “But he ain’t the Pugilist.”
“Not ’im, but’ee might know ’im,” the growler growled, again, and it seemed like déjà vu to John Galt, so closely did he repeat the words and inflection.
“Listen guys, I don’t want any trouble,” John Galt began, but the burly yellow-feathered dandy silenced him with a fist in the gut. John Galt gasped. He had never been struck in his entire life, and this contraction of his entire body seemed like the first quick steps toward death.
His nervous system seemed frozen, and he couldn’t even gasp. All his air had been explosively discharged, and now, he was at bone-dry empty, and could not pull in any life-giving oxygen to replenish his life force. But he never looked away from the yellow-haired dandy’s eyes. They stared at each other as John Galt remained doubled over, not making a sound, save for tiny mechanical squeaks that issued independently from his chest. The yellow-haired dandy stared into his eyes contemplatively.
And then, almost without his realizing the change, air came flooding into John Galt’s lungs, and he stood straight, looking calmly at his antagonist. With no aggression in his gaze, but openly staring directly into the leader’s eyes, practically challenging the bully to do it again and see what would happen, go ahead and strike me, yeah, right here, come on, hit me. John Galt maintained a straight face, pretending that nothing unusual had occurred. Sure, he got punched like this all the time. Punched right in the belly while he wasn’t expecting it, and while his hands and feet were tied. He did his best to show no pain, not even discomfort.
The leader smiled around his strange nose-beak—by far, this man had the largest nose John Galt had ever seen. The bluest eyes, too—icy white blue, and such a confident sneer. He nodded, and it almost appeared that he winked, or at least gave a half-wink or twitch of his eye that only John Galt might see, and strode away as if he was done with the situation, all this was so far beneath him, leaving John Galt standing, trussed in leather twine, his chest heaving as the miraculous air flooded into him, reviving him. In truth, John Galt still felt that he might die, just keel right over, and never move again.
“Ow long we waitin’ fer other one?” one of the thugs queried.
“Soon, ee’ll be’ere, any minute, ye’ll see, any minute,” a new one said, and his feathers seemed to be iridescent blue, and there was something about the way this one was looking at John Galt—it made him very uncomfortable.
An hour later John Galt was trussed inside the small wagon and they were bumping across the plains, moving away from the Red Door and that other world, that place of all his friends and family. Perhaps they would never see each other again. But John Galt thought not, for Jethro Mouch was smart, and resourceful, and he could imagine the balding nerd coming along, stealthily following their many tracks, sneaking in during the dead of night, cutting John Galt loose, and their escaping—he could visualize this all so well, he was more than ninety percent certain it would actually happen, and thus was taken completely unawares when a voice from behind the company came calling from quite a distance.
“Hello! Wait! Wait for me! Hello!” the voice cried, and as the ruffians slowed, their little mouths gaping like astonished goldfish, why here came good old Jethro Mouch, waving his pipe in the air above his head. It sounded like Bilbo Baggins chasing the dwarves on the morning when he almost missed the big adventure.
Poor Jethro Mouch came running, short of breath, red-faced and coughing, right into their very midst, before the incredulous ruffians tackled him, trussed him, and tossed him into the wagon beside John Galt.
“What kind of idiots are you hanging out with?” Jethro demanded, bleeding from both nostrils, out of breath—what little hair he had remaining on his head pulled up in outrageous tufts. He looked like a balding hedgehog.
“I thought we should take the rough route,” John Galt said, yawning. “Get our hands dirty, you know? Come on, it’ll be fun.”
Jethro Mouch stared at him as if early Alzheimer’s had just kicked in.
“I mean these leather straps, the way they cut into our skin? See how you’re already bleeding? That taste of blood, slightly tinged with mucous? I mean come on, Jethro, this is some pretty authentic stuff. You can’t pay for this kind of adventure!” John Galt said, his expression utterly seriousness, yawning again, displaying absolutely no humor.
“Man!” shouted Jethro Mouch, “this place is tilted! It’s out of whack, damn it! The whole program is out of order. I want a refund! Some gift, damn it, some gift! Do you hear me? Hey, I’m talking to you, Abyss, I want a refund!”




Douglas Christian Larsen
© Copyright 2017 Douglas Christian Larsen. Rood Der.
Rood Der — Episode Nineteen: Out of Order



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